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Malley
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Wed 17th Aug '05 12:50PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
WINNER OF THE AWARD FOR MOST CREATIVE THREAD
AT THEDADDY.ORG FORUM MEET 2005



Hello all

Fresh from a holiday in France, I returned home to find a letter from a local NHS Centre awaiting me. I knew instantly it meant that my minor, slightly embarrassing operation had been booked. I'll therefore be off work for 7-10 days. I mused what I should do with my time and concluded I would would write a book and serialise it here. It will diarise my attempts to stave off death by boredom and daytime TV.

I'm not sure I'll be the same person on the other side of this. Its a perilous journey of self-analysis. Stay logged-on for the 1st installment on Monday 22nd (or 23rd if my General Anasthetic has me knocked sideways).


http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Wed 17th Aug '05 1:07PM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Niiiice.
I'm right here buddy
    

Kelly*
Poke me in the knees and call me Roger
Wed 17th Aug '05 2:20PM
758 Posts
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4th Oct '03
In honour of your journey, I looked up 'eagerly awaiting' on google images. The results were so stunning that I shall give you three options of which you can choose one to represent the eagerness with which I am awaiting the notes of your voyage of discovery.

Image one:



Image two:



Image three:



Please let me know your preferred image by return of post, and I will attempt to body sculpt it at all times.
   

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Wed 17th Aug '05 2:32PM
1673 Posts
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Member Since
3rd Jun '03



I'm not sure I'll be the same person on the other side of this.



So, are you saying you'll be HALF THE MAN you were, after the operation? Is this an unwitting clue as to the nature of the impending treatment?

FOr my money, picture 3 is far and away the winner.

Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Malley
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Wed 17th Aug '05 4:17PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
Or twice the man....? Well neither really but you're in the right area.

Kelly, your pictorial discovery has blown me away. Certainly a tough choice as I like all three for various reasons. The slavvering dog is an obvious allegory of my decline into dementia through art. The young girl bent over beside the purity of the flowers is probably Freudian. However, 'Eagerly Awaiting' no. 3, the cliched, bleach-toothed yank is the outright winner. He's a shining example of the discovery that your dreams can come true.

I hope you will invest your time in my story, and to entice you further I will allow one of you to have some creative input. I need the name of one Z-List celeb (dead or alive) who will play a part in my tale. I invite your suggestions....

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Diziet
optical moose
Wed 17th Aug '05 4:39PM
2522 Posts
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20th Jul '05
how about Keith Chegwin?

the only noteworthy comment he's made in recent years was to the BBC film crew at Glastonbury following his defeat of the evil Alcoholism.

'i don't drink alcohol anymore,' he quipped, 'from now on its Cheggers Smokes Pot!'


and thus the sandwhich was born...

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Wed 17th Aug '05 8:59PM
1673 Posts
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3rd Jun '03
How about Peter Sissons?
   

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Wed 17th Aug '05 9:00PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Christopher Biggins!


After all this hype, you do realise you're going to have to admit to whatever it actually is, don't you?

'slightly embarassing'
'half the man'
'twice the man'

My guess is you're having a petrified conjoined female sibling foetus removed from (and along with) your left testicle. I believe this would satisfy all 3 clues, since you'd be half as fertile, yet would be a single male person instead of 2 people, 50% of which were male. And I'd be slightly embarassed.
  

Swoop*
CHIMPO
Thu 18th Aug '05 12:00AM
1558 Posts
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9th Apr '03
I guess that you're having the right side of your body separated from the left, and being stitched foot-to-head fashion so that you're half the man you were width wise, but twice the man you were from head to toes. The top head that is. And the bottom toes.
And given the difficulty that I imagine you'll encounter finding either a kilt or a rain coat to fit you, I reckon you'll be slightly embarrassed.
 

Malley
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Thu 18th Aug '05 1:01PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
I guess you'll all have to read the book. Keep your z-list celeb suggestions coming, I'm not deciding until I begin writing. Maybe, if I get a few top-notch Z listers, I'll incorporate more than 1.

Whether I disclose my operation, the crimes of Frankenstein that I will suffer, I'm yet to decide.

Hmmmm. I like your pontifications though.

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Thu 18th Aug '05 1:03PM
1673 Posts
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3rd Jun '03
How about Rosie Ribbons, who came about 6th in the first Pop Idol?
   

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Thu 18th Aug '05 2:19PM
4213 Posts
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7th Apr '03


Diziet was bold enough to comment:

how about Keith Chegwin?

the only noteworthy comment he's made in recent years was to the BBC film crew at Glastonbury following his defeat of the evil Alcoholism.

'i don't drink alcohol anymore,' he quipped, 'from now on its Cheggers Smokes Pot!'





I've also heard him say he doesn't drink any more because "Cheggers can't be boozers"
    

BrightonBabe
Would you like to see me blink? It really is quite impressive.
Thu 18th Aug '05 5:40PM
894 Posts
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25th Aug '03
Eagerly waiting for the first instalment

Ummm Interesting !!!!
 

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Thu 18th Aug '05 6:01PM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
I think you need to throw Timmy Mallet into the mix.

Hmmm, minor op forming twice/half the man in a slightly embarrasing fashion. I think maybe you're having your toes stitched together to aid you in your efforts to realise you lifelong dream of becoming a professional synchronised swimmer.
    

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Tue 23rd Aug '05 11:56AM
2708 Posts
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25th Aug '04
So not that I in anyway want to rush/pressure to the creative juices, but...?

Come on, I've been waiting a day and a half already!
   

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Tue 23rd Aug '05 12:40PM
838 Posts
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27th Sep '04
Andy Crane of 80s/90s children's television fame? Z list enough?

How are you Malley? Quite concerned here!
 

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Tue 23rd Aug '05 4:31PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03


Clara was bold enough to comment:

Andy Crane of 80s/90s children's television fame? Z list enough?

How are you Malley? Quite concerned here!



Andy Crane can't possibly be Z-list, else how would we classify Violet Berlin?

  

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Tue 23rd Aug '05 4:37PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
"Are you okay Sir, are you coming round now?"

...were the first words I heard when the post-operative mist started to disperse. I looked around at the gathered medical student observers as they smirked and pointed. Surely an inappropriate way of behaving for people whose future careers would rely very much on their professionalism in such circumstances. You see, I could understand your average Jo in the street having a laugh at my expense but I was a little aghast at the students' reaction. Let me take you back reader, to why I now find myself here, on Keith Chegwin's 'Cheggers does Ops' operating theatre table.

It was one murky, glum winter's morn when I looked into the drizzling sky and let my thoughts meander. There must be something more out there, something creative, a forum for my talents. After my tempestuous stint as a children's BBC presenter, I'd been typecast as a gobshite and a no-hoper. I didn't have Gordon the Gopher on my side and try as he might, Ed the Duck became a scar on the nation's collective patience. He wasn't a match for the loveable squeaking rodent. It had been, I freely admit now, a stroke of unimaginable genious on Phillip Schofield's behalf to marry his affable smile with the Gopher. So, I found myself, Andy Crane, having to step into those shoes. Like never before, that broom-cupboard had become the focus of a nation. On every corner of every street in every town (or city, for CBBC was now becoming quite cosmopolitan), anticipation gathered as to who would take the baton and run with it once Phillip and Gordon had left. Through sheer persistence and a lucky audition, it was Ed and I who landed the job. A poison chalice indeed.

I had faltered through my first shakey months, drug-addled and near death. I had mixed with the wrong crowd; the rock and roll of the BBC aristocracy. I wasn't level-headed enough to pull off the whimsical lyricism of my predecessor and I was sinking fast. At every corner there was a pusher, offering me (and Ed) a way out. Christopher Biggins once accosted me outside the changing room doors to some gunk-filled game show. It was here that he forced me into inject myself with a syringe of the purest smack in the world. His sweating blubber was too voluminous to pass. He wouldn't let me out of the corner until I was sky high. This became typical.

As Ed battled his addiction I faded. The scant charisma and enthusiasm I had began to wane. When fresh-faced Andi Peters entered the frey I knew my days were numbered. I ran. For years I ran, ashamed and depressed. I made the odd application for a new role to escape my downward spiral. The Vicar of Dibley which was originally cast for a man, Taggart, 15-1, you name it, I applied. Who wanted a washed-up junkie though?? After 72 failed suicide attempts, I turned my faith to the place you join me now, and the skilled surgical hand of Keith Chegwin. The steadiest hand in the west. I had to change my appearance. I had to escape who I had been...I had to become something new.

I snapped out of the anaesthetic and wiped my eyes. When I looked again, there was Cheggers standing atop a pedestal, waving and bowing to the amassed onlookers. They applauded and fuelled his mego-lo-maniacal genious.

"Andy Crane" he cackled, "I have transformed you as you asked. You wished to be rid of your failed, wracked and torn persona. You wanted to become something new, something the world had never seen before??"

"Well yes. I guess."

"Well here. Take a look in the mirror. This is the new you..."

I drew breath. My heart palpitating. I turned the mirror to face me and....

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Wed 24th Aug '05 10:55AM
838 Posts
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27th Sep '04
Wow! Just, wow!
 

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Wed 24th Aug '05 4:59PM
4678 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
Gah!

Where's the next chapter?!

That was
  

Diziet
optical moose
Wed 24th Aug '05 5:26PM
2522 Posts
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Member Since
20th Jul '05
fantastic!

more please


Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Wed 24th Aug '05 5:36PM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Go on fella!!
    

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Wed 24th Aug '05 9:33PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
...and I saw, I saw the face of Ronnie Corbett! Yet Ronnie Corbett with the smile and graceful charm of Ronan Keating. Then, the more I studied 'myself' in the reflection the more subtleties I began to notice. I could taste the air, every molecule, and my feet were more than the 5 foot or so from my face that Ronnie Corbett's would have been. Cheggers swaggered over with an arrogance that befitted his deified presence. He spoke, firstly to me and then to his minnions.

"You are thinking what have I made of you Mr Crane? You are asking yourself why you can see for over 630 miles, why you look like the loveable comedian Ronnie Corbett but yet measure a gargantuan 7 foot 6? Gathered Chegwinites, let me tell you what I have created. This being is the most perfect of creatures. A tapestry woven from the most aesthetically pleasurable and ergonomically perfect components from god's own celebrities. I give you Chegwinstein!!"

I coughed aloud; a booming and austere cough. I had a voice and presence that filled the room. A look of surprise crossed my face which Cheggers took as a prompt to elucidate.

"He has the look of Ronnie Corbett, the world's most harmless features. He has the height of Shaquile O'Neil, tall enough to be a giant yet still retain balance and agility. He has the youthful smirk and Irish lilt of Ronan Keating, the most believable and and commercially viable of personalities. He has the sense of taste of Lloyd Grossman, the authorititave tone of Peter Sissons, the hearing of Liberace, the sight of Phil 'the power' Taylor....need I go on?? He has the legs of Claudia Schiffer, the..."

...the list was endless. I was the sum of the prime cuts of the Z-list celebrity world. In short I was walking evidence that if you add all the minor attributes of these poor pathetic soles together, you end up with an even greater sin. The Chegwinstein. As Cheggers contiued to bewilder his audience with science, I took my chance. Using Jeff Capes' strength I snapped my shackles and lurched forth into the outside world. Unfortunately, I had also been given the unfathomable confidence of Jade Goody and I knew instantly my first port-of-call was BBC HQ in Shepherd's Bush. TV was all I had ever been, and TV was what I would be again. I hailed a cab, 'Taxthi, taxthi!' He had seen fit to give me the lisp of Violet Berlin. This slight impediment would help me land a job for sure. As I wrestled with my inner turmoil, my better ethics were clouded by my lust for TV success. A success that had proved beyond my meagre powers before. As hideous an idea as I was, I could only conclude that Cheggers' could not be wrong in his vision. His years of research had created me, the perfect minor celeb. This was my time, my world...my BBC!!

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Thu 25th Aug '05 10:02PM
4597 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
!!!!
Marvellous!
    

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Thu 25th Aug '05 10:57PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
As I crept passed the cliched, snoozing security guard into the foyer my pulse quickened. I was in BBC central for the first time in over a decade. A booze soaked, hellish decade. I clammered into an idling elevator cab and pressed the 1st floor button. Exiting the cab I turned left and down the hallway to the BROOM-CUPBOARD!!! Using Uri Geller stye mind-bending I split the padlock and entered the now condemned space in a lonely corner of the BBC building. I was in. Yes this was so wrong in many ways but I was exacting justice. Not only for myself but for the millions of children of the early 90s who were deprived of a true role model, for that was all I ever wanted to be. Suddenly, a torch beam penetrated the dust and I bobbed under the desk to hide. It scanned the room above me and then it disappeared. The security guard must have awoken. Taking my opportunity, I clung nervously to the edge of the desk and lifted my head to have a look. Although the outside light was faint I could make out the distinct glare of an ageing blonde mullett. The diminutuve figure scouted every corner of the studio adjacent before turning once more to consider broom-cupboard. It was then I realised that this was no security-guard...it was Cheggers. I dipped below the desk once more. In the silence of the empty building I could hear him musing to himself.

"I can't let you escape. You don't know what you're capable of. Where are you, you monster???!!!"

Amidst my panic, my incredible sight kicked in. I could see that he was holding a revolver! It was me or him now. A shadow then fell through the window above my hideout and across the broom-cupboard floor.

"You're in here somewhere, I can sense it. You're so perfect a creation that you'll ruin it for us Z-Listers. You're too damn good Chegwinstein! I can't let you back on the TV. I created you, therefore I must finish you."

Cheggers moved with ninjitsu-like stealth into the room. I closed my eyes and then there happened a miraculous occurrence. I disappeared from view. He was looking directly at me but could not see me. It was my David Copperfield illusion faculty. Cheggers shed some frought tears, a maniacal scream and then sunk to his knees.

"Where are you!!!? You cannot live. I have worked so hard to get where I am today and I cannot risk you ruining the jaded reputation us Z-listers have. It will kill us. Kill us all!!"

With that he fled, where to I didn't yet know. Still I hid. I had not realised that my place amongst the Z-list was so sanctified and that to out-perform, to exceed expectation in this pigeon-hole, was so sacrilegious. Maybe the new me was created for the purpose of raising the Z-list bar and giving us all new hope. Yes, even if that was not my born purpose, it must now be my personal mission. I had to get to studio 1 and broadcast to the world. A new dawn of broadcasting was upon us and it was my duty to herald it. Right then, a commotion disturbed my epiphany. A crowd of soleless zombies had gathered out in hallway. Cheggers was at its helm. It was the team of Z-list celebs that I had been amalgamated from. Between me and studio 1, there were hundreds of murderous drones intent on one thing. My death. Easy I thought, I'll Copperfield my way past. That was, easy until one of my many loveable faults took over; my Nicholas Lyndhurst style clumsiness. A high pitched "QUACK" resonated from beneath my foot. I looked down and saw the decaying gloved form of Ed the Duck. He'd never been swept out. The crowd swayed my, way alerted to my presence. I was trapped. It was now or never....

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Doughnut
What am I doing here? And where are my shoes?
Fri 26th Aug '05 6:47AM
45 Posts
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4th Aug '05
Very entertaining. I'm on nights at the moment and this sort of entertainment is greatfully received. I look forward to the next installment.
 

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Fri 26th Aug '05 8:57AM
2708 Posts
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Member Since
25th Aug '04
This is cool - I love the idea of a Z-list celebrity monster. It's quality!
   

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Fri 26th Aug '05 9:43AM
1673 Posts
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Member Since
3rd Jun '03
Malley, you're exceeding even my expectations.

Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Fri 26th Aug '05 11:05AM
838 Posts
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Member Since
27th Sep '04


Malcolm was bold enough to comment:

Malley, you're exceeding even my expectations.



And we all know how high they are!

Malley, you are truly fantastic.
 

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Fri 26th Aug '05 11:31AM
4213 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
Top work!

I'm hooked
    

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