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Allen Key
Stagnating, like a packet of crisps on the roof.
Fri 26th Aug '05 11:45AM
510 Posts
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10th Oct '04
This is fantastic! Although I'm slightly disturbed by the thought of Edd the Duck decaying in the forgotten murk of the once-mighty Broom Cupboard...
 

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 26th Aug '05 10:23PM
4678 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
Almighty work. Added this thread to the next newsletter


Also: welcome, Doughnut! You'll find your shoes just next to the brussels sprouts, behind the trowel-faced boy.
  

Doughnut
What am I doing here? And where are my shoes?
Sat 27th Aug '05 1:17AM
45 Posts
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4th Aug '05


Demian was bold enough to comment:

Almighty work. Added this thread to the next newsletter


Also: welcome, Doughnut! You'll find your shoes just next to the brussels sprouts, behind the trowel-faced boy.



Sprouts - at this time of year! Trowel-faced? I've obviously missed this expression in my sheltered life. So I'm still shoeless.
 

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Mon 29th Aug '05 10:53AM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

Thanks for all your positive feedback so far. I am hanging on to the final two instalments though, perhaps tomorrow and wednesday. To do you all justice I need to think of the ending of all endings and as I'm writing on the fly, I don't want to rush in. Only fools do that.

I promise tomorrow for part 4 and the finale, Wednesday lunch time - between 1 and 2pm.

"Part of the avant-garde canon of Britain"
The Independent

"A revolutionary take on the celebrity culture"
The Times

"A titanic novella and the ultimate discourse in identity - a world within a world"
Kurt Vonnegut

"Top Balls and Tits"
The Sun

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Tue 30th Aug '05 4:09PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
...I reached over to the stash of brooms in the corner. It was an actual broom-cupboard, as authentic a vessle for broomery as ever there was. I selected the most robust looking broom and grasped it firmly. It was then I recollected that Cheggers, on his days off, used to drop by the ol' Cupboard and share an after show tipple. He used to keep his vodka stashed behind the brooms. Aware of the receding window of opportunity I had, I frantically searched for one of Cheggers' old forgotten bottles. Yes, there was one. A 15 year old bottle of industrial strength petroleum vodka. One of Cheggers' own brew. I took it under one arm, broom held forth in the other, and decided to make my move. If I was to defeat Cheggers, I would need to weaken him. With this vodka, I might be able to catalyse a relapse into an alcoholic stupour.

I launched myslef at the door and it burst wide-open. My Capes strength might well be my my most brutal and successful ally. I swiped my broom back and forth, swashbuckling my way through the first wave of attacks. I caught the gaunt shape of Peter Sissons in the face, decapitating him. His newshound friends backed away, Moira, Michael Burke and Martin Lewis. This afforded me a little room to manouever dodging a raking stretch from Sue Barker. I swished my broom to the left backing her into a corner. Swivveling the brush round, I plunged the handle end deep into the sports-witch's black heart. She collapsed in a puff of dust. Then, from the opaqueness of the amassed shadows, rose Cheggers. He was levitating a good 10 feet above the crowd. He boomed...

"Close on him!! Don't let him swing his broom!"

He then thundered a firebolt my way. I ducked and it skimmed past into the approaching Steps/5ive combo that had stealthily neared me from behind. They scattered into a plethora of limbs and bones. Cheggers knew that back in the old days, each CBBC presenter was taught how to handle a broom for security reasons. We were a marked profession and numerous disillusioned had contracts on our lives. I had an almost inate deftness with the broom.

Chaging tact I ran and pole-vaulted over the failed/has-been athletes beneath me. Cram and Whitbread reached out but my agility with the broom surpassed their's, even in their pomp. As I landed, Studio 1 was noticably closer. A swathe of Big Brother contestants intercepted me however, and although I skewered Darren, Brian Dowling and Spencer, the combined neanderthal power of Jade and Alyson overwhelmed me. From nowhere, Lily Savage pinned me down and hand-cuffed me to a lighting gantry support. The crowd then dispersed as Cheggers descended from the ether. He was flanked by his two most virtuoso warriors, Mariella Frostrup and Noddy Holder.

"Mr. Crane, you have done well, but I cannot let you into that studio. Right now, my blood-red eyes are sapping your prowess."

"But I have to. TV is what I do and I must expose this underworld of the Z-Lister. I am better than you now, I can raise broadcasting standards in the UK. I can and must commit you all to an eternal struggle. A life without shop-openings, tabloid gossip and daytime TV piffle. With all the assets you have given me, I can change the world, teach the children and enlighten the adults." I protested.

"Then if that is your choice, you must get through my two top minnions first."

With that, Frostrup and Holder rage at me. Still incarcerated, I couldn't see a way out, and with my powers failing I was stuck. I was doomed in the shadowy obscurity of the Z-List nightworld!! In sheer desperation I flung my broom to the floor, and unsheethed the Chegger's home fermented petrol from my sleeve. There was a blinding light. Holder, Frostrup and the rest evaporated and Cheggers fell to his knees.

"Noooooooooooooooo!"

...and then silence....

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Tue 30th Aug '05 4:58PM
4678 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03


Malley was bold enough to comment:

I plunged the handle end deep into the sports-witch's black heart,




What an epic quest through the murky depth of failed celebrity!

Bravop! The extra p is deliberate, for emphasis.

And by the way, Frostrup's still going strong on Radio 4's Book Club, her husky growlings sooth me home from work every Thursday
  

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Wed 31st Aug '05 10:17AM
838 Posts
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27th Sep '04
Am I the only one terrified by the 'combined neanderthal power of Jade and Alyson'?! I need my teddy bear!!!
 

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Thu 1st Sep '05 1:11PM
4213 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
I must have more!

More I tell you!
    

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Thu 1st Sep '05 1:17PM
2708 Posts
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25th Aug '04
That's right! We're over a day overdue to the grande finale. What is this, some obscure form of mental torture? The anticipation is killing me!
   

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Thu 1st Sep '05 5:35PM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Just when I think you must have exhausted the supply of Z-list celebrities you pull yet another out of the bag. I forgot quite how many talenless wannbes there are out there. And you have given them all a podium on which to shine!
    

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Fri 2nd Sep '05 2:23PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
...It was eerily strange to look down upon this once effervescent tyrant. His body shuddered and convulsed and he whimpered as though in pain.

"My Precious!" he gargled, focussing on his old friend the bottle of Vodka in my hand. "Gives her to me master. Master's a bully. Gives me my precious."

The hand-cuffs magically disolved and I was liberated. Brandishing my broom again, I strode over to Cheggers and lifted his chin with the handle end. A bedevilment crossed his face and he haphazzardly lashed out at the bottle. I dodged his lunge and then pressed him to the floor. I felt a power no Z-lister had the right to feel.

"Cheggers, you were once my creative muse. Its sad to see you a grotesque mess on the floor. You can have your precious. If that is what is important, then the british public don't need you."

With that I cast the bottle out of the window down to the carpark below. Cheggers errupted...

"Nooooo"

...and then in a flash he leapt from the building and thudded into the pavement below. I peered over the sill and saw a bloody pile of minor celeb flesh and bones. He wasn't moving. Unlike his TV career, I knew he would not be resurrected. Suddenly then my path was clear. I could get my message to the nation. I started to feel more humble and more me. Through the tribulations of battle I had started to become my old self, the moronic Andy Craine. Yet I felt somehow indefatiguable and upbeat. Maybe this was a voyage of self-discovery and perhaps, well maybe the high life wasn't for me. I was begining to be satisfied with being low key. As I stood alone in the pit of the BBC, I checked myself. How, after all of this could I be happy in living a life behind the scenes? I had consumed the best parts of these various nobodies and had found that there is a charm in not having to be a celebrity, just to 'be' would be great.

Right then, a janitor entered the building with a mop and bucket. He began to wash the tiled floor and he couldn't see the mess the battle had made. The destruction, the blood, the commotion.

"Scuse me sir, but are you authorised to be in here?" he quizzed.

"Erm, no. No I'm not."

"Would you kindly leave before I call the cops then"

So I did. It was fruitless to dream of owning the airwaves and revitalising broadcasting standards. Nobody knew me anymore and no matter what I did, they never would take me seriously. Sure, I'll be in some people's memories as the fair-haired and bland CBBC presenter and to me that was fine. Cheggers had tatsed success and I have seen what it can do.

You can have your Beckhams, Jude Law, Johnny Wilkinson, Brad and Jen and the billion other faceless A-Listers because that is all the masses care about. Remember though, the real stories, the real struggles lie in the Z-list. If you take time to read behind a headline and not be fed your news and views like an empty vessel, there are some fascinating things that happen. Like Andy Craine becoming a freedom fighter against the dark warlord Cheggers.

This all actually happened...

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Allen Key
Stagnating, like a packet of crisps on the roof.
Fri 2nd Sep '05 2:44PM
510 Posts
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Member Since
10th Oct '04
Fabulous work, Malley!
 

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Fri 2nd Sep '05 3:12PM
838 Posts
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Member Since
27th Sep '04
Both entertaining and philosophical. Malley, a true genius you are.
 

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Fri 2nd Sep '05 3:56PM
2708 Posts
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Member Since
25th Aug '04


Malley was bold enough to comment:

Sure, I'll be in some people's memories as the fair-haired and bland CBBC presenter and to me that was fine.



He wasn't that bad!

Was he?

Cool ending though! I like the idea of Cheggers throwing himself to the pavement below, it seems somehow appropriate that Andy Crane doesn't kill him after all
   

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Fri 2nd Sep '05 5:38PM
4213 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
Fantastic

We should get it as one doc and host it on the site!
    

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Sat 3rd Sep '05 7:32AM
4597 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03
A classic end to a classic tale my friend.
And yeah if you wanna make it into a page in its own right I can host it here.
    

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Tue 6th Sep '05 12:24PM
55 Posts
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Member Since
14th Jul '05
Yes, that would be an honour. I thank you all.

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Thu 8th Sep '05 2:46AM
4597 Posts
Spanners's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
I think here is a good spot to demonstrate a brand new feature of the Forum - try doing a post that contains the text 'TDDO:chegwin'.

We got Easter Eggs
    

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