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Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Wed 7th Sep '05 4:23PM
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3rd Jun '03
WINNER OF THE AWARD FOR BEST COLLABORATIVE THREAD
AT THEDADDY.ORG FORUM MEET 2005



Malley works in the same office as me, about 10 metres away, in Room D211 (pronounced Dee Two Eleven). Tomorrow we're going to spend a couple of hours doing something on a computer together. In honour of this fact, he has just sent me this:

We simply must attend to this business. It is of the utmost, paramount, priority, category A importance.

I feel a musical coming on here?.

Where? (Lead)
D211, 211 (the chorus)
When?
At 11, at 11
And why and what and how and why again?.?

(Chorus)
It is a meeting
A meeting?
Yes a meeting
Oh a meeting
Yes its paramount
Its what amount?
Its paramount
Without a doubt
We simply must attend to this business?

It is of the utmost, paramount, priority, category A importance
We'll maximise, prioritise and compulsorise attendance
We just must
We simply must
And we will
Oh yes we will
We simply, definitely, must, imperatively atteeeeeend tooooooo thiiiiiis Businessssssssss!!

Alright!


Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Wed 7th Sep '05 4:30PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
If you have a further verse, or even a continuation of this story - using the meeting as a starting point, please post with a musical type response. Perhaps we could make a real production out of this and perform it at TDDO christmas party...should there be one. That is another thread altogether.

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Kelly*
Poke me in the knees and call me Roger
Wed 7th Sep '05 4:38PM
758 Posts
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4th Oct '03
Wahey! I may use this to try to get my volunteers to turn up to meetings, if it's OK with you both.

EDIT: Although on second thoughts, wouldn't be much good if I got them to turn up in room D211. Still, VERY impressed.
   

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Wed 7th Sep '05 5:23PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03


Malley was bold enough to comment:

If you have a further verse, or even a continuation of this story - using the meeting as a starting point, please post with a musical type response.



That's awesome, I'll put a song together next time I'm bored at work
  

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Thu 8th Sep '05 4:28AM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Ok, in an effort to introduce the hero of the story:

I am a modern beurocrat
I drink lattes with soya fat
I meet and talk with other brains
And new ideas I entertains
    

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Thu 8th Sep '05 1:21PM
1673 Posts
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3rd Jun '03
Obviously at this point we pass over to the chorus:

He is a modern bureaucrat
He drinks lattes with soya fat
He meets and talks with other brains
And new ideas he entertains




Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Thu 8th Sep '05 8:35PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03
I take it we're aiming at a Gilbert and Sullivan type thingy?

Tried to combine the last 2 posts into an 'Introducing the bad guy' type of contribution...



I am a modern bureaucrat
I drink lattes with soya fat
I meet and talk with other brains
And new ideas I entertain

He is a modern bureaucrat
He drinks lattes with soya fat
He meets and talks with other brains
And new ideas he entertains


I am a modern bureaucrat
The papers call me a fat cat
We downsize and economise
Then snort cocaine from hooker's thighs

He is a modern bureaucrat
The papers call him a fat cat
He'll downsize and economise
Then snort cocaine from hooker's thighs.


All I want, all I need, is to fulfill my greed..
More money!
When I balance the books, all my staff on tenterhooks...
It's funny!
Childcare? That ain't fair! You have no business flair...
Bye, honey!

[tune - humoresque - dvorak - aka hippopotamus song]
Once upon a time, when at the tender age of nine
I used to charge my friends to hire my tonka toys
By the time that I was ten I used to send my repo men
And repossess my goods from all the other boys.

Now I keep my purse-strings double-tied
From charity I've often shied -
I'd rather keep my money to myself;
This company relies on me
Without me it would cease to be;
For now my conscience stays upon the shelf.

Oh how does he sleep?
Does he count magic sheep?
For his conscience burnt out many years ago
But for now he will keep
Sowing seeds he can reap
Just as long as he can watch his balance grow.
  

Diziet
optical moose
Thu 8th Sep '05 8:38PM
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20th Jul '05
thats outstanding!

would now be a good time to bring in the hero, d'you think?

maybe a guy called Gordon who works in the post room?


Kelly*
Poke me in the knees and call me Roger
Fri 9th Sep '05 9:40AM
758 Posts
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4th Oct '03
Absolutely brilliant!
   

Arabstrap
Daddy-licious
Fri 9th Sep '05 1:00PM
215 Posts
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16th Jun '05
wow!!!

the level of genius on this board continues to amaze....

i can see a choreographed dance routine... somewhere between rodgers&hammerstien and bob fosse.

anybody up for a stop-motion animation of this?


Mildred
Daddy-licious
Fri 9th Sep '05 1:14PM
212 Posts
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13th Sep '04
Please can there be dancing on photocopiers? And chorus girls dressed as giant paperclips?
 

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Fri 9th Sep '05 2:15PM
2708 Posts
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25th Aug '04
I was an everyday, humdrum in everyway,
Typical Bureaucrat.
For the commonplace, and the rat race
I had a dozen hats!
Til promotion rendered a wonder,
I became prone to not blunder.
To the workers I'd known, I was heard to intone,
"You'll be sacked".

I'm the boss now,
the leader, (that report by three, cur!)
I'm the boss now,
inspiring as the mona lisa!
I'm the one you fear throughout your work day,
You're the one who'll do whatever I say.

And the greatest thing I'm sure you'll agree,
Is I'm the boss now - yes me!
   

Diziet
optical moose
Fri 9th Sep '05 2:25PM
2522 Posts
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20th Jul '05
thats top!

i can imagine that being sung to a brass backing track of 'Sad But True' by Metallica

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 9th Sep '05 4:59PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Nice work Amanshu!


New Printer (Interlude type piece)


It's my Cannon Inkjet XR 14T
They said it would improve my productivity!

Every time I try to print
It chirps and squawks then beeps
I pull the back off, flip the lid
Then watch as it goes back
to
sleeeeeeeep

Yes my Cannon Inkjet XR 14T
It's the height, they say of print technology!

A Time & Motion study
Which cost us fourteen grand
Discovered it was twice as fast
To write it out by haaaaaand...

Oh my Cannon Inkjet XR 14T
This machine is going to be the death of me!
  

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 9th Sep '05 11:12PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Heh, this is addictive


Office Stress Tango
(or The Absentee?)

As the paperwork piles up around
My tiny desk, I look around -
I don't think I can get this done on time!
The invoices have not been paid,
Our profits once again delayed;
It's Wednesday and we've yet to turn a dime!

The boss has just called in to say
I'll have to stay back late today
He's fourteen tasks I need to get to quick!
The pressure's building up on me
My manager won't let me be
...It's time to take another month off sick!

(music changes to dreamy, harps and dolphins stuff)

Daytime
T. V.
It's all I want
To sit and see
They're paying me
To sit and be
Comfortably
With my T.V.
They guarantee
I'll get my fee
Though you can see
It's lunacy
Looks like I got
Away scott free
I am the happy
Absentee!



Actually that probably needs more verses or something...
  

Amanshu*
Giggity Giggity goo
Sat 10th Sep '05 1:37AM
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25th Aug '04
Nah - get three people to sing it in a round and you're sorted!
   

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Thu 15th Sep '05 12:25PM
1673 Posts
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3rd Jun '03
Dramatic new developments in our storyline - there's another meeting on the horizon, but Malley has scheduled it for a slightly inconvenient time!

"I don't wish to be derisory,
But simply just advisory:
The times which you propose just cannot stand.
For I simply shall not be here
At the times which I can see here
On this message that is written in your hand.

I have no wish to ignore you;
So, dear colleague, I implore you -
To reschedule this important rendez-vous.
So it seems our little meeting
Must be, sadly, all too fleeting
For I have to leave at forty-five past two!"

Chorus:
"He has to leave at forty-five past twoooooooo
Yes, he has to leave at forty-five past two!"

Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Fri 16th Sep '05 10:59AM
1673 Posts
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3rd Jun '03
And thus our brave heroes spent the afternoon "appraising" a cumbersome, time-consuming and inaccurate new piece of software, implemented to help them do something they were already doing perfectly well anyway.

Malley accordingly altered his diary, and announced the following:

"I overlooked your scheduling
And the times that I was pedalling
Were I see, to be medalling
In an impossibility

The corrections made are fine by me
And in a way that I cannot disagree
To adhere to them and meet with thee
But the location is no decreed

So being bold I will suggest the place
Intending no hierachy as this isn't the case
But more suitably a place to work at pace
Lets say mine at two o'clock

I send this reply with the intent
To clarify the time and place to vent
Our spleens at the programme that is meant
To help us through our day?

Our Spleens we vent, when things are meant to help us through the day,
But do not help and it is felt that they are getting in our way
Our Spleens we vent, when things are meant to help us through the day,
But do not help and it is felt that they are getting in our way
Our Spleens we vent, when things are meant to help us through the day,
But do not help and it is felt that they are getting in our waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Malley
Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9Number9 Number9Number9
Fri 16th Sep '05 1:02PM
55 Posts
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14th Jul '05
...and then there was one, on his own in the office. Left to muse over the failure of the meeting.

I'm ashamed I turned up late today
I thought the meeting would just go away
But all I managed to achieve
Was to snivel on my sleeve
As our plans, had gan a-gley

The pace of it was meandering
As the two of us were pandering
To delay it yet again
And procrastinate until then
For that I, was hankering

Its a pity that my tardiness
Led to a failure to make progress
But that's the culture in this office
And to forward planning I'm a novice
I must learn, or I'll regress

(In a very quiet, solitary, minor key)

Maybe I should leave this room for good
In fact I'm sure I think I really should
They're better off without me here
Because to clockwork they all adhere
And I think, I never could.

So goodbye, cruel wooooooorrrrrrllllllld
Goodbye.

http://www.the-echo.co.uk

For the best band in Leeds, honest.

Roooaaaaarrr!!!
  

Clara
Even red onions have a silver lining
Fri 16th Sep '05 3:12PM
838 Posts
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27th Sep '04
Oh, Malley... I recommend chocolate or gin. And it's the weekend in a few hours.

Genius lyrics though.
 

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Sat 17th Sep '05 1:03AM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
You guys rock my world
    

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Sat 17th Sep '05 12:57PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03
Awesome contributions! I notice your first piece fits perfectly into the Humoresque rhythm, Malcolm, but having more trouble with the second piece, and Malley's last - did you have a tune in mind or has that yet to be decided?

Either way, top work! I'll have another go this weekend...


  

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Sun 18th Sep '05 12:31PM
1673 Posts
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Member Since
3rd Jun '03


Demian was bold enough to comment:

Awesome contributions! I notice your first piece fits perfectly into the Humoresque rhythm, Malcolm, but having more trouble with the second piece, and Malley's last - did you have a tune in mind or has that yet to be decided?

Either way, top work! I'll have another go this weekend...






Oops - actually, the last piece was Malley's - I just posted it. I shall edit the post to make it clearer. As far as I'm aware there's no particular tune in mind.
   

Allen Key
Stagnating, like a packet of crisps on the roof.
Mon 19th Sep '05 3:48PM
510 Posts
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10th Oct '04
The "Why Can't People Leave Things Alone If They Don't Know How To Work Them" Blues

Well, somebody used it while I wasn't here
They've not the brains that they were born with, that is clear
They've left me such a tangle
All my drawings it'll mangle
Watch 'em screw things up, then watch 'em disappear

Low!
It's so very low, whoa yeah
To do this, then to vanish in thin air
Low!
I'm feeling so low, whoa yeah
It's enough to drive a lowly Doc Controller
To despair


Well, they've been and gone and wrecked the damn machine
Then just run away ' if only I'd have seen
The yellow-bellied coward!
In a rage I would have towered -
Oh, what glorious retribution there'd have been!

Gone!
They've bloody well gone, whoa yeah
And destroyed my copier without a care
Gone!
My goodwill is gone, whoa yeah
It's enough to drive a lowly Doc Controller
To despair


Well, I didn't see it till it was too late
Tried to force it, and the gears began to grate
Now my mood is growing darker
Think I'll have to sniff a marker pen
My flagging will-to-live to stimulate

Crushed!
The document's crushed, whoa yeah
And I think that it might be beyond repair
Crushed!
My spirit is crushed, whoa yeah
It's enough to drive a lowly underpaid and under-valued and increasingly despondent Doc Controller
To despair




I'm envisioning the Document Controller now going on a solvent-based rampage culminating in a tense hostage situation in Room D211, but that might just be because of the kind of day I'm having.

Any similarities between the character of the Document Controller and the composer of this piece are entirely coincidental.
 

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Mon 19th Sep '05 4:46PM
4678 Posts
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7th Apr '03


Allen Key was bold enough to comment:

Well, they've been and gone and wrecked the damn machine
Then just run away - if only I'd have seen
The yellow-bellied coward!
In a rage I would have towered -
Oh, what glorious retribution there'd have been!



That verse is fantastic! Metrically and lyrically perfect... top work Ms. Key!
  

Spanners*
Misses his big brother :(
Mon 19th Sep '05 6:55PM
4597 Posts
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7th Apr '03
I like all the 'whoa yeah's. It would be well suited to a 50s rock opera!
    

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Mon 19th Sep '05 8:30PM
4213 Posts
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7th Apr '03
I am so tempted to write some music to one of the tunes.
    

General*
Windows Bob - the best!
Mon 19th Sep '05 9:21PM
4213 Posts
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Member Since
7th Apr '03


Malley was bold enough to comment:

...and then there was one, on his own in the office. Left to muse over the failure of the meeting.

I'm ashamed I turned up late today
I thought the meeting would just go away
But all I managed to achieve
Was to snivel on my sleeve
As our plans, had gan a-gley

The pace of it was meandering
As the two of us were pandering
To delay it yet again
And procrastinate until then
For that I, was hankering

Its a pity that my tardiness
Led to a failure to make progress
But that's the culture in this office
And to forward planning I'm a novice
I must learn, or I'll regress

(In a very quiet, solitary, minor key)

Maybe I should leave this room for good
In fact I'm sure I think I really should
They're better off without me here
Because to clockwork they all adhere
And I think, I never could.

So goodbye, cruel wooooooorrrrrrllllllld
Goodbye.



Tis done

I can assure you that the chords to this song are

Am C Am Dm Am F G Am G Am G F

I will try and record it in all it's chorded glory but I'm sloooooow on sonar so it may take the rest of my life.
    

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Fri 23rd Sep '05 12:48PM
1673 Posts
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Member Since
3rd Jun '03


General was bold enough to comment:

Am C Am Dm Am F G Am G Am G F

I will try and record it in all it's chorded glory but I'm sloooooow on sonar so it may take the rest of my life.



Could you re-state the chords saying which words/syllables they go along with? In the interim period before the fully-orchestrated version is available online, I'd like to have a quick strum myself.

Excuse me for mentioning it, but can I interest you in a panoramic print of York - http://www.panoramicyork.co.uk ? No? Oh well - just thought I'd ask.
   

Kelly*
Poke me in the knees and call me Roger
Fri 23rd Sep '05 1:46PM
758 Posts
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Member Since
4th Oct '03
Well, I thought it was time to introduce the love interest (with help from Malcolm...):

Curtains close. A single spotlight on a woman, Jane, seated at the front of the stage with a desk and typewriter in front of her. She pushes the carriage return, looks up to the heavens, sighs dreamily, and begins:

When I was just a little girl
I always dreamed I would beeeee...
Working for a modern beaurocrat
As his personal secretary.

I dreamed of making cups of tea
Taking memos and transcribing.
I dreamed of minuting meetings
And lots of letter writing.

Gets up and begins to twirl around the stage

So just imagine my delight
When I got home that winter's night
To find a letter that did invite
Me to join the administrator pooooooollllllllllll!

The curtains open to reveal an open-plan office. Several secretaries, each with one leg crossed over the other towards the middle of the stage, turn away from their desks to face the audience and sing:

Oh, we provide excellent typing skills
Discrete service of coffee and tea.
We'll put in the post your expensive bills
And take calls from people you don't want to seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The secretarial chorus turn back to their work and continue typing. We return to a focus on Jane, who is looking dreamily around again:

He was always such a pleasant boss, with straight and firm deadlines;
When he kept me in the office late he'd pay my parking fines;
He would handle things efficiently and never turn up late;
But these high-powered women in his meetings start to graaaaaaate...

Jane takes on an altogether more sinister tone and look

Their shoulder pads
They drive me mad
I just can't stand
The way they demand
His attention.

They ask of me
To make them tea
They never see
It's not up to me:
Their condescension!

It gets me stressed:
They think they're best!
While he's at rest
They're on a quest
For ascension.

Silently I yearn
His love I'll earn,
And them he'll spurn.
My thoughts start to turn
To preventionnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.....

Jane moves to stand domineeringly in the centre of the stage, possibly ripping off her secretarial shirt to reveal some kind of scary black leather get-up. The secretarial chorus leave their secretary stations to form a malicious looking band behind her, providing the backing vocals (extra points for daddydotorgers guessing the song that the last verse is based on. Malcolm, your guess does not count):

They want to please him but they'd better not touch
Backing singers: Don't touch!
They want promotions but this arsenic will make them stop
They table motions but they argue too much
Backing singers: Too much!
I've made them coffee but it's laced with venemous poisonnnnnnn
It's poison running through their veins
Poisonnnnnn
I'll stamp 'filed' on their remains......
   

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