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Misses his big brother :(
Wed 30th Apr '03 4:06PM
4597 Posts
Spanners's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
Just got sent this in an internal memo. Hmmmm.

Dear Moronic Corporate Disaster,

I am very happy to announce that as of this moment, I resign.

It may interest you to know that soon I shall be earning twice your salary in a new field: I shall be involved in the flinging of porcupines between ocean going cargo ships and the shore. We plan to attach messages to the backs of these porcupines and in some cases, to write directly on them. We hope that some day this new form of communication, we call it the Porcupine-Mail-Service or PMS, will really take off. Perhaps one day in the not-so-distant future will also use it as a method of communication. I must stress, that as of this moment, we have not hurt any porcupines. They appear to enjoy it. Possibly because we pay the porcupines much more than you paid me. It may also interest you to know, we also pay the parasitic species of louse that has only ever caused problems for their porcupine hosts more than you paid me.

Should this endeavour fail, I plan to become either a highwayman or a pirate. Even a highly unsuccessful criminal of this nature is bound to make more than you paid me, and the work will be a lot less sweaty, annoying and pointless. If you are traveling by carriage or sailing-ship one day, wave me down; I am sure I would simply love to catch up with you.

On the off chance that this also fails, I have been offered the job of donning a realistic monkey suit and working for peanuts ? I know you?ll be saying, "but we already pay you peanuts ? and you don?t have to wear a monkey suit!" Yes, you do indeed pay me peanuts and I don?t have to wear a monkey suit. But our peanuts are of a much higher quality and the monkey suit is far less degrading than uniform. As a side note, the dominant male of the group is much more intelligent than yourself and is considerably more pleasant and humane.

As another side note, if you are interested in purchasing any donkeys, you're in luck. I have been breeding them recently for the sole purpose of familiarising myself with their stubborn, asinine faces. I had long taken it upon myself to mentally transpose a donkey face over your own during our conversations. When I did this, the clouds cleared and you appeared more credible. I have also taken to translating the inane garbage you spout into Donklyish, the language of the donkey (specifically the Ass dialect which is most similar to your own). Donklyish has the forgiving property of making everything you have said in it sound credible ? even the most ludicrous of statements. As you can see, as I will be taking on some form of employment with a credible boss I no longer need the donkeys. They are available to a good home. Perhaps your company could employ them as managers? I think they would do a wonderful job and improve the company immensely.

Yours without any respect,

Camels rock!

Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Wed 30th Apr '03 5:17PM
4678 Posts
Demian's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
Hmmm... and I always thought PMS made communication impossible


Fri 2nd May '03 9:51PM
1558 Posts
Swoop's Avatar
Member Since
9th Apr '03
An internal memo? You mean that you're in charge of the hiring and the firing now? You're the person that people have to ask permission of when they want to quit their jobs in disgust? That's pretty damn good. I've always wanted to sit behind my enormous oaken desk, and listen to some underling's petty complaints, and their carefully thought out speech, detailing exactly what they think of me and why they tender their resignation, then sip my brandy, light a cigar and casually decline to accept it, before calling security to drag them back to their formica workstation and informing accounts of their 83% pay cut.

"Yeast? Yes ta." - Yeats.

Windows Bob - the best!
Tue 6th May '03 11:29AM
4213 Posts
General's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
The clue is in the signature.
Its John Wayne taunting you from beyond the grave!
Perform an exhorsism with a six gun and 20 Malborough dipped in holy water that usualy fixes him.

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