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Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Sat 6th Sep '08 11:18PM
4678 Posts
Demian's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
Hello! My name is Trevor 'Demian' McDonald, and welcome to my round-up of the latest spooktastic and mysterious news headlines!

A second Michael Winner has been spotted! He's almost exactly the same as the first one, but may be ambidextrous! We'll keep you updated!

Meanwhile Emily Pondwarmer of Ohio, Hawaii, has been visited lately by the ghost of a dear departed sandwich that she ate almost 30 years ago! "I knew it was the same sandwich," Mrs. Pondwarmer explained, "as I remember I'd asked for extra olives and they put them all up on one side! Well, this was exactly the same sandwich!"

Sources tell me that there may soon be a complete vernal contraflow in Sagittarius later in the week, with predictably disatrous results across the various rotary groups in the southwest of the country! Pisceans in the area are advised to nail a satsuma to the doorways of their house immediately!

Clive Clive, a miner from Swindon, was abducted last weekend by what can only be described as 'Aliens'! One night as Clive slept soundly in his bed he was awoken by a strange sensation, only to find himself aboard a trans-dimensional yoghurt pot, crewed entirely by the cast of 'Top Gear', who were wearing nothing but a single sock each to hide their modesty! Amazingly, a selection of Clive's childhood friends appeared as if from nowhere and sang creepy, mocking songs in his mother's voice telling him he was going to grow an extra set of arms! Clive was then transported back to his own bed in an instant, with Clive finding several hours to be missing despite his wife having slept through the entire encounter! Clive awaits his new limbs excitedly!

A man from Halifax, Scotland, has apparently been spotted with the face of a boy! Locals claim to have seen the mysterious boy-faced apparition in and around Debenhams at 11 o'clock on Wednesday morning! We'll keep you updated on this late breaking story!

And finally our regular update from the DPN mailbag! This week regular reader Saul Cogg asks about a problem familiar to most of us - psychic flu!

"Dear DPN,
I am a keen student of the mystical sciences and I rely on your site for the invaluable ability to cross-index crystals with various cuts of meat. However, I recently visited a garage and caught psychic flu from one of the radiators there - now my hair keeps sticking up at a funny angle in the morning and sometimes when I think too hard I can't remember what colour ostriches are. Can you suggest anything?"

Well, Saul, there are only two known cures for PF and assuming you don't have easy access to livestock and a trebuchet you'll need to go down the slightly safer route of having your shoes glued to the sides of a giraffe! It may be possible to come to a deal with your local zoo, otherwise you may need to enlist professional help!

Next week we'll be hearing about the woman who is planning to make a fortune out of soul-cleansing ironing boards and giving you a complete buyers guide for head-mounted aerials and receivers!

Stay tuned in!
  

Malcolm*
My ape goosed a Bishop. Who are you?
Wed 10th Sep '08 12:21PM
1673 Posts
Malcolm's Avatar
Member Since
3rd Jun '03
Barking. Utterly.

But oddly, no more barking than lots of things that are actually said/believed...
   

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