|Fri 20th Mar '09 11:00AM
|7th Apr '03
| Wikihow is a huge collection of the most bizarre and irrelevant how-to articles I've ever seen. Virtually every 'random page' search turns up something hilarious.
This is a competition to see who can find the most ridiculous entries. Link to the categories: http://www.wikihow.com/Categories
How to draw singing pickles
How to turn off a calculator
How to persuade an atheist to become a Christian
(includes hilarious warning about not accidentally converting yourself to Islam in the process...)
How to get over a scary movie you saw
How to sculpt a moose using household materials
How to exude, enact or escape an existential crisis
From the Existential Crisis article:
1. Remove yourself from this desire. It will do you nothing but harm, and likely do nothing but irritate those around you.
2. Embrace this desire. Realize it always has been, in the most absurd of paradoxes, fated upon you.
3. Find yourself in a mirror. Maintain eye contact. Continue staring until your face becomes unfamiliar, until the colors in your irises become suddenly violent and then just as quickly fade away. Do not avert them.
4. Turn off the lights. Repeat. Flip every light switch you encounter. This is a subtle, yet effective way to instill unsettled uncertainty in those around you. Do not attempt to explain yourself.
5. Resist the temptation to eat, sleep, or fulfill any other aching physical requisites. The pain is smoke & mirrors and succumbing to it only makes you weak. Mock yourself for this weakness, and mock the belief you cherish that overpowering it implies fortitude of character. It does not. You are trite for trying.
6. Examine your hands. Notice they are soft and relatively unweathered, despite decades of use. Consider the lines that are said to tell your life. Now consider your fingerprints. Now consider your scars, or lack thereof.
7. Scream your new-found philosophies down moonlit streets, preferably still damp from a fading rain, preferably spattered with incoherent ramblings and fits of manic laughter.
Tips: Fear, guilt, and regret are wasted emotions. No matter how often you remind yourself of this, they will torment you. Let them. Then let them go.
If you find yourself in a constant state of nausea, you are doing something right. Continue. It will pass. Then return. Remember, corporality is just another joke played on man.
Warnings: Dressing in black, smoking cigarettes, reading Sartre, and reciting lines from I Huckabees will only cheapen the true being you so desperately seek. Avoid at all costs.
You will find the aforementioned both unavoidable and irresistible. Mock yourself for the misery this stirs in you.
L'enfer, c'est les autres.
Things you'll need:
Cigarettes (hand-rolled, no filter)
Le Mur by Jean-Paul Sartre
An equally tormented (and tormenting) love interest.