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Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 20th Mar '09 11:00AM
4678 Posts
Demian's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
Wikihow is a huge collection of the most bizarre and irrelevant how-to articles I've ever seen. Virtually every 'random page' search turns up something hilarious.
This is a competition to see who can find the most ridiculous entries. Link to the categories: http://www.wikihow.com/Categories

My selections:

How to draw singing pickles

How to turn off a calculator

How to persuade an atheist to become a Christian
(includes hilarious warning about not accidentally converting yourself to Islam in the process...)

How to get over a scary movie you saw

How to sculpt a moose using household materials

How to exude, enact or escape an existential crisis



From the Existential Crisis article:

1. Remove yourself from this desire. It will do you nothing but harm, and likely do nothing but irritate those around you.

2. Embrace this desire. Realize it always has been, in the most absurd of paradoxes, fated upon you.

3. Find yourself in a mirror. Maintain eye contact. Continue staring until your face becomes unfamiliar, until the colors in your irises become suddenly violent and then just as quickly fade away. Do not avert them.

4. Turn off the lights. Repeat. Flip every light switch you encounter. This is a subtle, yet effective way to instill unsettled uncertainty in those around you. Do not attempt to explain yourself.

5. Resist the temptation to eat, sleep, or fulfill any other aching physical requisites. The pain is smoke & mirrors and succumbing to it only makes you weak. Mock yourself for this weakness, and mock the belief you cherish that overpowering it implies fortitude of character. It does not. You are trite for trying.

6. Examine your hands. Notice they are soft and relatively unweathered, despite decades of use. Consider the lines that are said to tell your life. Now consider your fingerprints. Now consider your scars, or lack thereof.

7. Scream your new-found philosophies down moonlit streets, preferably still damp from a fading rain, preferably spattered with incoherent ramblings and fits of manic laughter.



Tips: Fear, guilt, and regret are wasted emotions. No matter how often you remind yourself of this, they will torment you. Let them. Then let them go.
If you find yourself in a constant state of nausea, you are doing something right. Continue. It will pass. Then return. Remember, corporality is just another joke played on man.



Warnings: Dressing in black, smoking cigarettes, reading Sartre, and reciting lines from I Huckabees will only cheapen the true being you so desperately seek. Avoid at all costs.
You will find the aforementioned both unavoidable and irresistible. Mock yourself for the misery this stirs in you.
L'enfer, c'est les autres.

Things you'll need:
A Beret
Cigarettes (hand-rolled, no filter)
I Huckabees
Coffee
Le Mur by Jean-Paul Sartre
An equally tormented (and tormenting) love interest.
  

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 20th Mar '09 12:10PM
4678 Posts
Demian's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
Another gem I just found:
http://www.wikihow.com/Break-a-Jonas-Brothers-Addiction

Have you ever wanted to forget about the Jonas Brothers, but it seems impossible? Well now you can say goodbye to that feeling! (Hopefully) Try this and see if it works. Feedback please!

Steps

1. Listen to other music. It can be Hannah Montana, My Chemical Romance, Switchfoot,Demi Lovato, The Beatles, Ween, anything! Just make sure it DOESN'T remind you of the Jonas Brothers or sound like them.

2. Try something else. I got un-addicted by taking up reading. There are so many good books out there. Audio books are fun to listen to also, and can keep you from turning on the Jonas Brothers.

3. Talk to friends on the phone! This will definitely take your mind off them for a while. Just make sure it isn't about the Jonas Brothers at all. Talk about school or how much you hate your sibling.

4. Go outside and play. Ride your bike and just chill with your friends or siblings! Try playing your favorite sport!

5. Try and get your friends to support you. If you tell them that you are trying to forget about them they'll help by talking about other stuff like current events, sports, the new guy who is major cute, etc.

Tips

1. The people who hang out with you might not be real friends, which would cause them to talk about them even more than normal. Make sure you're hanging out with the right people!

2. Still try to have fun! Just because you're giving up something doesn't mean your life should be miserable!

Warning

If you start feeling nauseous, depressed, etc. stop right away and listen to the Jonas Brothers. You may also start to feel like just staying inside and sit in a dark room by yourself. If any of these start to happen including headaches and stomach aches discontinue this procedure. If you still experience these, contact your doctor right away.
  

Demian*
Oh Lordy, Plegaleggole
Fri 20th Mar '09 6:25PM
4678 Posts
Demian's Avatar
Member Since
7th Apr '03
How to clap your hands

1. Being excited at the possibility of seeing or meeting someone that you have not seen in a very long time, might cause you to clap quickly and unevenly hitting one hand against the other. At the same time, you might jump up and down in a gleeful and happy way.
  

Xander
The panda is the evolutionary equivalent of living off benefits.
Sat 21st Mar '09 12:01AM
169 Posts
Xander's Avatar
Member Since
16th Jul '08
Good thread Demian think I'm going to favourite Wikihow it amuses me so. Here are a few I found.

How toAvoid Gossiping
Step 1 reads "Mouth Shut"

How to Reduce Male Breast Size
An oddly clinical articale and it says, reading between the lines, loose weight fatty.

Some of the religious ones are hilarious:-

How to Tell Your Parents You Are Becoming a Satanist
Very touchy feely and sensitive for an article telling people your now in league with the evil one.

How to Support War as a Christian
If the logical contradiction of title wasn't enough then read the article. The tag line reads:

"Why have so many Christians denounced war as "ungodly"? Most are mislead! "Come let us reason together.": about taking part in warfare ("using deadly force")."

It's reasoning and use of the Bible is highly interesting and questionable. Would it surprise anyone that it has related links to articles on George Bush? I'm really hoping it's a satire, scary version they are serious.

Lastly because I love the title:

How to Oil a Shinai
 

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